


kissing jesus

by gqbrielle (orphan_account)



Category: Christian Bible (New Testament)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-25
Updated: 2015-08-25
Packaged: 2018-04-17 04:50:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4652970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/gqbrielle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Judas tries to kiss Jesus.</p><p>Awkward and heartbreak ensue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	kissing jesus

It's late. We've been drinking too much...again. At one point Matthew makes a joke about turning wine to water tomorrow morning for the hangovers. Everyone laughs, even Mary, and she doesn't laugh at much except the really dark jokes.

Everybody's fallen asleep, in a big pile, like the puppies my little brother kept bringing home. Somebody's snoring - like the donkey I had for a few years - but it's not too loud, so I don't care.

We're on a roof, somewhere in Jerusalem. Somebody's dad said we could stay here a few days. We're duly grateful. I think Peter's been banging somebody here. Probably. Again. Hopefully they're not married, or if they are, their spouse doesn't care. Peter's sexual orientation appears to be, "Alive, consenting, and of age," which is cool.

_And makes Judas kinda jealous._

_The radical faction he followed for a long time (he's 17) emphasized the need for chastity. For control. That the only passion that mattered was the passion for Revolution._

_This would have held a lot more water if one of the leaders (a woman) hadn't been fucking everyone who held still long enough. He didn't grudge her that. Much._

_He hadn't been a virgin for a long time, but that was due to small fumblings with a few boys he'd loved too hard. All dead now. Or runaways, so probably dead, which was the same thing, when it came down to it. Some of them, he wondered if they threw themselves at the spears, off the cliffs, at the wolves in human's clothing, because of their love. But only when he was very sad, so he tried not to wonder it too much._

For the third time in as many days, I'm watching him. He's staring at the stars, with that little smile that I try not to watch too long in fear I'll start wondering what else that mouth can do. Jesu loves the stars. If what he says is true, he used to live there, and the stars are people, and every one sings in a different key. No wonder he always stares, smiling.

I'm closer than I should be, and drunk on some very good wine (for once - usually any gutrot I can find is enough). So my tummy hardly lurches at all when I make my way out of the pile of sleeping disciples and sit next to Jesus.

"Hey...so...I had a question."

Jesus is immediately staring at me, with those kind eyes you could spend an eternity staring into. All that attention, just for me. "Yes? What is it?"

"It's this," and I kiss him. Gently. Immediately. Before I can give myself time to think about it.

He kisses me back. If only out of surprise, I think. Then he just goes still, and waits. For the kiss to end, I think. So, I end it. Heart beating too hard and too nervous to say anything, mouth parted, eyes huge, I'm sure.

His eyes are...like they always are. Dark. Kind. Pupils...are a little big. Just a little. But with fear or arousal or...or the dark around us both...I can't tell.

He doesn't say anything. I need him to say something. I need him to say something now or I'm going to puke or start crying or both.

I stop my mouth from turning down by biting my lip, which is another kind of failure.

"I'm sorry. That was out of line, I'm going to go -" I start stumbling to my feet and freeze when he puts his (huge) hand on my hip. "No, stay...?" He makes it a question.

I don't want to pull away from his hand...so close...so close...even for a moment, so I sit. Clumsily.

His eyes are inscrutable, with a look in a language I don't speak. But I want to, oh, I want to.

He moves his hands. Both of them, and he's holding my hands, hard, like the time that girlfriend I had - before I knew I couldn't love women that way - when she thought her father knew about the kisses we'd stolen.

"I need you to understand what I'm going to tell you. Okay?" he's got that teasing smirk, but he looks so serious. I haven't seen him that serious since he flipped the tables at the temple.

"O..okay."

"I can't."

Can't. That's what I was afraid of, but the reasons are what I want to know. Chaste I can handle, straight I can handle...I don't know what I want here, for once (I usually know what I want) but I want it like burning, like drowning, like choking on sand in a storm.

"Is it because of my gender or because of what your Dad would think?" I put the emphasis on the word 'dad' to let him know I don't mean Joseph.

"Neither. It's because of what I'm here to do."

Right. So, probably both, then. I'm disappointed, but not surprised. "Okay, well, I'm gonna go, before I make more of a fool of myself - " But he's shaking his head. What? What can he possibly -

"It's not a sin to be like you are."

I freeze. "Nobody brought that up. I don't want to talk about...how I am, or - " "No, I'm that way too. Kind of. Like Peter." Ironic twist of the mouth.

"...are...are you sure?" I touch my cheekbone before I can help it. Broken, by my father. With a rock. When my mom told him, and I came home from work. And he was waiting. It would have been his fist, I think, but I ran.

He smiles. The big smile, the one that makes me think that maybe God is the sun, after all. "Very."

And that's all I wanted to hear. For now.

And when, later, I kiss him again, it'll be hard. With tongue, and teeth. But with my eyes open. And angry. Betrayed. Disappointed.

But, for now.............it's enough.


End file.
